Author: Norlita Brown
Title: TAKE ME AT MY WORSE
If you were given the option to marry your spouse with a guarantee that it would always be for better, you would be hard pressed to find a divorce or a person who is unwilling to take someone’s hand in marriage. It is the ‘for worse’ that stumps everyone, that gives reason for pause as you walk the aisle to marry the man of your dreams or rather the man of your right now. She is the epitome of everything you hoped for as her beauty glides her the altar to meet you where you stand, yet your heart races at the thought of ‘for worse.’
Tell me that my spouse will keep money overflowing in the bank accounts, all the bills current, that I will never have to worry about a thing. Tell me they will have the home looking immaculate at all times and that nothing they ever do will ever get under my skin and I’m all in. The reverse of that is normally the reality. There will be times when money is short while the bills pile up, the home is in disarray, time isn’t well spent, and the things that irk your last nerve are the very things that your spouse insists on doing. Is it because they are purposely trying to disrupt your happily ever after? Most likely not, but this is how it would seem as you come home gritting your teeth at the possibility.
Divorce rates are high and they most likely will always be because divorce is the easy way out. The one who files for divorce will always believe that they’re motives are valid when many times most don’t put the effort to getting past the “for worse.” “Is this how I am expected to live the rest of my life?” the question is posed over and over rhetorically. Never once is either ever looking at the situations to determine a better solution.
Another point of fact in most marriages is the person you marry many times isn’t the person you met. It is rare that you will find a person to lay all their cards on the table when they meet someone. Who is going to go into a relationship admitting they don’t cook, they’re a slob or they mismanage money? Not many, because that prospect doesn’t look so appealing, yet many times this is the very person they are. They’re going to show you the person who dresses casually, keeps their hair crisp and on point and if you visit their apartment it will reflect a tidy and organized person. The aroma in the kitchen makes your toes curl and the taste makes your tongue do dances. The thought never crosses your mind that after the vows have been said and the agreement has been made, that now is the time when you will see your spouse fully exposed for the first time and it will make you question your decision of for better or for worse.
My first novel discusses this next point of fact in a very in your face perspective. Somebody Else’s Vows. Just as the title proposes, many times the people who are not in the marriage care more about the vows than the people who are in it. The fact that you have now uttered the words “I do” does not attach itself with a valve that says, “My attractions to other people are now turned to off.” It is how we handle the attractions both in and out of our marriage that make the difference. Readers of this work call the main character, Alyssa, self-absorbed and a plethora of other things that aren’t so nice. What they aren’t realizing is the point that I was trying to drive home so clear; Alyssa is honest. She tells her husband about her attraction to another man, now it is up to her and her husband to figure out what to do with this attraction. Why? Because she’s not in this alone, he is her oneness. The solution needs to come from both of them. He shouldn’t leave her to just “get over it.” If the decision was that simple there would be no need for this discussion. Many of us believe that attractions land in the man’s lap, that it is the male species who find it so difficult to focus on one relationship with one woman and remain that way for the rest of their life. I beg to differ, just as a lie doesn’t care who tells it, an attraction doesn’t care who owns it.
It is the make-up of the human body, yes. It is also a mindset that may or may not have a certain degree of control added to it. However, in a marriage that level of control should not be the responsibility of one person but both. Find out what made you attracted to the other person, many times it is not just a physical attraction which is what makes it so dangerous. The physical we can pull away from easier than the mental. You can give them their just due in the form of a compliment and continue on about your way, but if it’s mental it continues to drive your curiosity to them. Wondering about the possibilities of being with them then turns into something no one ever bargained for when they made their vows. Here is what I suggest, once you find out where your attraction lies, be open and honest with your spouse about it and find out whether or not they too can hold these same qualities. Pleasing one another should not be an option in marriage.
Marriage is a push-pull, two people working together for the same purpose, reaching the same goal, wanting and having mutual desires. When you begin to look at just the physical or just the things someone can add to your life, you start your marriage out on the wrong foot which is already leading down a path of destruction. Although marriage is a contract that has been said is becoming one that is easily broken, it shouldn’t have to be. It is my belief that divorce will decrease the moment that people open their eyes to the value of marriage and its original purpose. Love your spouse, but before you begin to pursue them for the better, take them at their worse.