Writers Name: Rosey Denise White
Title: Secretly Waiting for Death
Admittedly, I have experienced many hardships throughout my life. I know what it’s like to not have a job, a car, clothes, food and many other basic needs that so many of us take for granted. Despite these difficulties, the hardest challenge in my life has been dealing with the loss of my mother. I know first-hand the emotional struggles of longing to live, yet secretly waiting to die.
After several months of unexpected deaths and violence within my family unit, everyone was stunned to learn my mother was a victim of pancreatic cancer disease. Although she was naturally small in stature, she had the spirit of a giant! My mother was the unspoken matriarch of the family. A very strong woman both mentally and physically, who was full of wisdom and commanded respect from all she knew. The timing of her illness and death was quite abrupt. I never considered what life would be like without her. Mentally, I was unprepared for it. I always expected mom to be around when I got married. I expected she would be here to see me start my own family and would help me transition into adulthood. Unfortunately, my mother will miss all of these things.
Her death shook the very foundation of my family and the core of my being! Shortly after her death I remember driving down the road in my car, asking, begging God to call my number. I hope this is the day, I often thought to myself. I imagined a big truck hitting my car or some other freak accident to abruptly end my life. Outwardly I yearned to live, but adjusting to life without mom was too difficult for me. I no longer had that unmovable piece in my life that provided security, instruction and comfort. In my mind there was no real purpose for my life to go on. My family had moved on with their lives and I became a distant afterthought. I had no one waiting in the wings for me. All of this heavily weighed on my mind. Secretly, I wanted to end it all and waited eagerly for death to greet me.
Suicide doesn’t have to be an orchestrated elaborate plan. There are people we encounter on a daily basis who have thoughts of death without us even knowing. The pressures of everyday life can be overwhelming for some and not everyone has the strength or will to cope. Those with suicidal thoughts are usually withdrawn from others. They may also engage or over engage in illicit drugs and alcohol. Someone who is considering suicide may also appear quite normal to those around them. Truthfully, there are very few tangible warning signs that reflect a person’s willingness to die. To this day, no one within my family or circle of friends were ever aware of my attraction to death.
Rather than recognizing the potential warning signs of suicide, the most important thing we can do is become supportive of those undergoing a change in life. Be it tragedy of death, financial hardships, a failed relationship or other challenges, those in the circle should always give the appearance of support. Compassion is something that not enough of us engage in. Be willing to step in when needed. Be willing to become a non-judgmental listening ear to those who need you. A phone call, a letter, a text message- are all small jesters of love that can go a long way, especially to those with suicidal thoughts. The words we speak toward others are very important. Words generate negative and positive energy. Be mindful that your words can often be the rope that sends someone over the edge… or the harness that safely draws them back.