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Push a Woman in the Corner and She Comes Out Swinging

1/22/2013

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Date: January 21, 2013
Writer’s Name: Angela Duirden-Galbreth
Title: Push a Woman in the Corner and She Comes Out Swinging

           

James Brown said it best, “It’s a man’s world, but it wouldn’t be nothing without a woman!”

From the courtroom, to the operating room, to corporate America’s boardrooms, and yes, even in the bedroom, women are taking reigns and holding their own. The days where “father knows best” and the images of June Clever, Marian Cunningham, and Edith Bunker being seared into our brains as they portray “the totality of a woman” are long gone. Today’s generation of women are carving their own paths. With the wind at their backs and destiny as their guide, women are succeeding in powerful, high-profile CEO and managerial positions in fields previously dominated by males. Women today own homes, businesses, are becoming more educated and producing college graduates at a faster rate than their male counterparts. Women are members of the clergy, politicians, commanders in the Armed Forces, and it is highly anticipated that a woman will (in the not so distant future) assume the office of Commander in Chief. Women seemed to have mastered the delicate dance of bringing home the bacon, frying it in a pan, being a mother to the children, and taking care of the needs of their men; all while rocking a pair of six-inch stiletto heels. And, if it fits her fancy, today’s woman can become pregnant without ever being intimate with a man. Yes, she’s doing it all with style, grace, and a double dose of panache!

As a woman, what a privilege it is to rave about the accomplishments of my sisters, but it wasn’t so long ago that women had fewer rights than men, were considered inferior, and dare I say, “weaker vessels.” In fact, it could be strongly argued that the abasement of women’s rights is what actually sparked the emergence of the “independent women.” Push a woman in the corner and she comes out swinging. It was women who fought tirelessly for the passage of the 19th amendment to the United States Constitution, which guarantees women the right to vote. The Equal Pay Act of 1963 aimed at demolishing gender wage disparity. The Civil Rights Act of 1964 outlawing discrimination against racial, ethnic, religion, and women. Roe v. Wade 1973, landmark Supreme Court Case giving women control over their bodies with regards to birthing choices. And most recent, The Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act of 2009, the first bill signed into law by President Barack Obama, amending The Civil Rights Act of 1964 and resetting the 180 statute of limitations for filing discrimination lawsuits for equal pay.

Certainly, many might view the rise of women’s independence as a rebellion crusade. While we all reap the fruits of the feminist movement, this leadership role is not the identified choice of many women but instead an act of self-preservation. How many movies have we seen where male and female roles are clearly defined. From an early age, boys are told that they are the bread winners, responsible for provision and protection of their families. He is “man” indisputably crowned king, and dare not be challenged. Women on the other hand were coined as nurturers, caretakers of the family, and completely dependent on the man for everything. Her primary job was to stand by her man whether she agreed with him or not. She was to clean the house, wash, dry, and fold laundry, prepare the meals, take care of the children, and then have bed rocking, sizzling sex on demand, and she had better do it all with a smile. 

However, with more and more men becoming less enthused with their role as head of the household. With others either incarcerated or have chosen to shirk their responsibilities, women from all walks of life began finding themselves left alone with children, financial obligations, and no marketable skills. Instead of settling for “damsel in distress” and waiting to be rescued, women strapped on their red capes and became the hero of their own lives. They begin making the necessary changes to provide a better life for themselves and their children.

As social trends have changed and the foundation of relationships has evolved, women seemed to have developed a knack for independence. But, is there a price to be paid for having it all together and doing it so well? What does an independent woman say to her daughter? Does she have to forfeit love and marriage for success? As I think of my daughter, I so love her audaciousness. At age 9, if she sees something she wants, she doesn’t hesitate. She grabs the bull by the horn and rides that bad boy. Ironically, instead of being celebrated, a woman’s independence is a major contributor in relationship breakups. How could that be? In truth, not too many men can handle a confident woman who boldly wears the badge of achievement. There are some men who feel intimidated by her self-reliance, and steer clear for fear that independent women are high-maintenance, too self-absorbed, and want more than what they are able to give. The way they see it, such women have already accrued the things men are conditioned to provide, so what could he possibly offer her?

While it is true, as “head” and “in charge” is where men feel most valuable, the reality is, REAL men don’t mind if a woman has a successful career, or if she has in an income tax bracket that is above his. Some even consider it sexy. What keeps a man attracted to a woman is how she makes him feel. What matters is that she has space in her life for him and that she isn’t obsessed or overwhelmed by her career to the point that it is a detriment to the relationship. Few men will admit this, but they keep close tabs on the things women say and do. More than anything, a man wants the woman in his life to make him feel important. That she needs him for reasons that have nothing to do with money or power. And if he can’t feel special, respected, or if he feels less than around her, why be with her?

Perhaps, just perhaps, sisters could it be that in our quest to be strong, confident, and independent that we sometimes lose our “sweetness?” In our desire to be heard, we lose that softness in our voice, graced with feminism and tenderness enabling us to stimulate a man’s mind and spirit, beckoning him to a place of rest. Could it be that while we have arrived socially and economically, we have no “emotional” confidence? We are unable to fully trust, or manage our feelings without stifling our hearts. I can say with conviction that sometimes self-sufficient women haphazardly drive men away by being too aloof, never showing vulnerability or emotion in ways that are healthy. In addition, women often flaunt their independent in fashions that convey to a man, “I don’t need you, I can take care of myself!” or “You are not a priority, but an option! I can drop you in the blink of an eye and keep it moving!” Male or female, who wants to be made to feel that they are not needed? No one! Independent women would be better served allowing a shift in paradigm and offering a more sensitive touch when communicating with the men in their lives as not to incite insult or criticism, thus injuring his ego. Male emasculation shouldn’t be a casualty of female sovereignty; quite the contrary. By all means sisters, be strong, confident, and accomplish all that your heart desires, just keep in mind that some things taste better with a 'lil sugar on top!

As power dynamics have changed, more women dare to break the mold of tradition. As more men feel less shame in having a spouse who is the primary financial contributor, some assume the role as stay home fathers. As American society transitions, and as men and women grow more comfortable with their newly defined roles, there may come a time when there are more independent women with men who are dependent on them and have no qualms about it. I’m not exactly sure how that would shake out, though. However, I do believe there is room for the merger of traditional roles with progressive millennium perspectives. The key is striking the right chord, finding the right balance that satisfies the needs and expectations of both men and women in relationships. Now, I dare not pose that women should dummy down or settle for men who don’t meet their standards of compatibility. Nor should women forgo high-powered careers, or negate to pursue their goals for fear of scaring off men. A relationship should never be viewed as a tango of dominance and submission, but rather a mutually fulfilling and supportive union between people who are committed, emotionally secure, and willing to submit the time and energy of nurturing and creating a thing of beauty.


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Is Love Worth Fighting For???

12/4/2012

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Date: 11/30/2012
Name: Donnell Hicks
Title: Is Love Worth Fighting For???




Is love worth fighting for? Why does love hurt so badly? A relationship or marriage between man and woman is solely based on two main ingredients: “love” and “trust” followed by communication.

For any person who has gotten out of a bad relationship or a chaotic marriage, one can say love can come with happiness or sadness. It usually depends on the different circumstances that might arise such as being cheated on by your mate with another person or arguing almost every day over the silliest things. What to do when a woman finds her boyfriend or husband cheating on her with another woman? The woman will either leave or stay to make the marriage and relationship work. Love no scratch that, true love can dominant the woman’s heart and vice versa.

You want to believe deep in your heart your soul mate will change for the better and not for the worse. As a result, is love worth fighting for when you’ve been constantly hurt so many times in the past? One half wants to give up the fight and everything else, and the other half keeps you fighting on until you can’t fight anymore. At the end of the day, fighting to have someone’s heart can be exhausting.

The heart is evidently fragile when it is broken into tiny pieces. Similarly, a man can endure his sensitivity being stomped on or taken for granted. A man will show his true emotions, his true affection towards the woman he adores very much simply to have it get knocked down by the woman who keeps having him drag out his feelings and then hit him with a two letter word “no.” The man will give all he has to give and then extra to show he truly loves his wife or girlfriend. At the same time, there are some women who appreciate a man’s authentic emotions; on the other hand, there are some women who believe men shouldn’t show their emotions.

Sometimes it is not so easy to stay in love for the benefit of not being alone. To endure so much heartbreak realizing the relationship has lost its original touch. In other words, there is less communications, less trust, less lovemaking, constant fighting over the littlest things, and most of all, less excitement. For some men and women, it is easy to simply walk away when the tension grows so high. Moreover, what a person can do when his/her soul mate has his/her heart wrapped up in emotions? You want to be around for your mate to work it out, but putting your life on hold can spell disaster. Will it be the same as the first several tryouts? Only time will tell.

I don’t know; love can be a mystery. It depends on how hard each individual wants it. Love can be a headache and a nuisance all at the same time, because one person in the relationship or marriage puts up 100% of the effort opposed to the other person simply putting up 60% or 50% of the effort; and that is a recipe for disaster. Honestly, love isn’t worth the headache of being with a person who doesn’t truly care about your feelings. If a person really cares, is love really worth fighting for at the end of all the mayhem? Maybe or maybe not.


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What Happens after the Honeymoon

12/3/2012

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Date: 11/20/12
Writer’s Name: Allison Martin
Title: What Happens after the Honeymoon


Since your childhood years, you’ve envisioned this moment and it’s finally here.  For the past year or so, countless hours (and amounts of cash) have been put into planning the picture perfect day.  Everything is finally ready to go; the attire is resting on the hanger awaiting its grand debut, floral arrangements embellish the church and reception hall, the scent of the scrumptious meal the caterer has prepared seeps from the kitchen, and the spirit in the air is one of joy and excitement. Family and friends have traveled from near and far to share all of the delight the big day will bring.

At last, the couple exchanges vows and the two officially become one.  The day is beautiful and fun-filled as expected and at the end of the night, the couple escapes to their own fantasy island while family and friends go on their merry way.  For the next week or so, the new couple can’t get enough of each other while on the honeymoon and life is great.

Fast forward a few years and the honeymoon phase is over.  Life is back to normal and they are no longer newlyweds.  Children may even be in the picture at this point and life couldn’t be more hectic.  One party in the marriage has had enough, consults with lawyers, and the papers are served.  It’s over!

Sadly, this is the harsh reality for some couples as 40-50% of all marriages in end divorce (as estimated by politifact.com).  But does it have to be?  There are certainly specific factors that cause major strains in marriages (i.e. cheating) but other underlying issues are often ignored. What many fail to realize is that many marriages sever due to disputes that span way beyond infidelity.  Let’s take a closer look:

  • Money problems: Before the big day, many couples make the mistake of not having “the money talk” and don’t comprehend one another’s perspective on money in general. Before saying “I do,” spending habits, credit scores, and financial dirty laundry (i.e. debts) need to be aired out to make sure that the two are on the same page prior to uniting as one.
  • Ulterior motives: Too many are saying “I do” for all the wrong reasons.  If the individual is just searching for a meal ticket, security, status, or just wants to get married to have a big wedding, disaster is right around the corner.  Since marriage is a lifetime commitment and not just a simple relationship, there can be harsh consequences should one of the parties involved decide to take a hike.
  • Communication barriers: In a marriage, both parties will not always be on the same page but if there is a major discrepancy or issue that needs to be discussed, proper communication is essential.  Understand that a shouting match does not qualify and usually yields a lot of excessive yelling and cussing without making any real progress.
  • Unwillingness to compromise: No one’s perfect; we all have flaws!  In addition, we all come from various backgrounds and possess different values and characteristics.  With that being said, compromise is a must for any marriage to work.  Both parties have to be willing to meet each other half way on those things that they may not see eye to eye on.
  • Loss of identity: Many get so wrapped in their roles of being a spouse and parent (if applicable) that they forget about the other party (and sometimes who they are as well). This is dangerous for any marriage.  Balance is the key to making it all work and “couple time” is fundamental in order to keep the spark ignited.
At times, marriage can be hard work but is one of the most rewarding elements that life has to offer if the two parties are compatible and understand each other’s needs and wants.  
Matthew 19:4-6 states the following:

"Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,'  and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh?’  So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate."

There may be ups and downs in any marriage, but any sacred union under the Lord is worth fighting for.



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Mixed Relationships and Mixed Marriages in America

11/19/2012

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Date: 11/14/2012
Name: Donnell Hicks   
Title: Mixed Relationships and Mixed Marriages in America  

People in America view mixed relationships and mixed marriages with disdain pleasure. I don’t know why when a black woman dates a Hispanic man, a black man dates a Canadian woman, or Hawaiian woman marries a Japanese man and a white woman marries a black man, it makes the world uncomfortable.  It is up to each individual who they want to settle down with and start a life together. The only true thing that should matter is the strong connection the man and the woman have while dating, married, or in an already established relationship. 

 As long as the partnership is happy, healthy, filled with trust and most of all respect there shouldn’t be a problem among two people from two different backgrounds to form one union in holy matrimony under God. Certain people will always criticize in a negative way regarding the people in their family as to who they date and who they choose to have as friends. Truth be told, interracial relationships and marriages have been around for centuries throughout slavery and following the abolishment of slavery.

At that time, people from different cultures especially white and black people couldn’t get married particularly in the southern states where mixed relationships or mixed marriages was prohibited. White southern folk who indulged in racial doctrine would believe that the white Aryan blood is being threatened by another culture if a white woman dated a black man or vice versa in the south. Even right now today, there are plenty of people who still have that same mentality.

On a different perspective, teenagers who are involved in interracial relationships should know about their other half’s family, their values, their culture, and way of life. According to contemporaryfamilies.org, one study shows 36% of white Americans, 57% of African-Americans, 56% of Latino Americans, and 57% of Asian Americans have dated interracially.

What people fail to realize is that if two people are in love they should be able to explore their newfound relationship as well as their newfound marriage without scrutiny our shame. A prime example: President Obama is mixed and First Lady Michelle Obama is pure African-American and their bond is surreal. Why judge the interracial couples based on the person they have chosen to spend the rest of their lives with?

I remember when I was a teenager, I was in love with white American women like never before. Although I received mixed views from family, friends, and strangers alike it didn’t stop me from showing love and tender care to the white women I’ve dated.  I didn’t care in regards to the negative and positive comments I was receiving because the strong bond and the strong connection the girl and I had was surreal.

Evidently, I don’t see a problem with dating outside the race or marrying outside the race. Everyone believes it is a common enemy to do so. Nevertheless, color doesn’t mean anything as long as the hearts and souls are genuinely pure.


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How long is “I DO”

10/30/2012

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Date: October 8, 2012
Writer’s Name: Lorraine Elzia
Title: How long is “I DO”


“To have and to hold; for better or for worse; for richer or for poorer; in sickness and in health; to love and to cherish from this day forward until death do us part."

Immortal words uttered at the altar signifying a promise of love.

Till death they do part…

That’s a really long time.  The significance of which is not really measured during the fantasy of the two becoming one. Those words are magical in the moment they are spoken, but reality is that most marriages don’t last that long. In general, besides the occasional drunken marriage in a Las Vegas chapel, most people do not enter the realms of matrimony with the thoughts that their union might not work or will be short lived. They believe the words when they say them. But believing them and actually living up to them can be two different things.  While the hope of marriage is that the two shall become one, reality is that the union is made up of two separate entities with separate minds and separate actions.

The divorce rate among Americans has hovered around 50% for more than a decade; a fact that engaged couples tend to overlook when walking down the aisle. A rose-colored view of love often obstructs a couple’s ability to take precautions against becoming part of the statistic. While there are several reasons that can bring a marriage to a screeching halt, there are some factors which seem to hold true as a major reason for divorce.

We live in a disposable society. There was a time when people worked harder in order to maintain long-lasting marriages.  Divorce was not an option and communicating and creating an environment where a husband and wife viewed all problems as things they could concur together was the goal.  But now it seems that if a marriage becomes hard and requires too much time, energy, attention and hard work to maintain it, then it is easier for some to discard the marriage than to use a little bit of elbow grease to work out the problems. When the going gets tough, Americans tend to quit and seek out a new mate that they hope will require less work.

Along those same lines, infidelity often plays a role as a leading cause of divorce.  People are too quick to seek comfort somewhere else if things aren’t working out in their marriage. Affairs, both physical and emotional are on the rise. Instead of partners in a marriage reaching out to each other for comfort, they are seeking comfort outside of the marriage. A growing sense of justifying the need to step outside the marriage when certain needs are not being met is on the rise. Infidelity is a hard obstacle for a marriage to recover from.

Another major factor in the rise of the divorce rate concerns finances.  There is a saying, “I can do bad all by myself” and more and more marriages fall victim to that line of thinking.  When finances get tight in a marriage and the ends are not meeting like they should, instinct for survival kicks in and some people begin to think more about what’s good for “me” as opposed to what’s good for “we.”

Unfortunately, Americans base their views on what love is based on what they see or read.  The life of a fairytale is how they enter a marriage and when the butterflies leave, they want to move on to the next exciting moment that can give them that addictive feeling again of being in love for the first time.  When hard work is required instead of the instantaneous natural high, more and more marriages are falling prey to the motto, “What’s love got to do with it.” Arguments become the norm and spouses who were initially growing together begin to grow apart.

Buying a pretty white gown and saying, “I DO” before friends and family is a major commitment in and of itself, but that commitment can only prosper if the people on both sides of the alter have given major consideration to all of the factors of life that can, and will, attack the marriage from the inside out. Instead of having a vision of love that is wrapped in glitter and gold, a husband and wife need to remember that love has varying degrees and levels, and it can only shine when both parties take the time to polish it.


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Love Doesn’t Hurt

10/17/2012

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October 8, 2012
Charlotte Marshall Templeman
Love Doesn’t Hurt
   

“So I suppose to believe you love me right? Damn that’s hard to do when I am faced with lies and deceit from you. Women calling my house and playing on my phone, telling me you were with them when you should have had your sorry a%^ home. Going to the bathroom having a burning feelin, not knowing if you gave me AIDS or Chlamydia. Am I supposed to believe you love me? My eye finally went down from that beaten I got from you. You know the one you gave me because I was DISOBEDIENT. Yeah and I am supposed to believe you love me? I lay in the hospital bed bruised with a shattered self –esteem and a body that lays weak from the strong punches of your fist. The very hands that were once gentle to feel are now used as weapons to harm me. Am I still supposed to believe you love me? Because you shed a few tears, looking down at me as I lay still. Still in death, still in peace. I wish I had loved myself enough to still be amongst the living.”
   

The above poem is taken from the novel Broken Hearted by Charlotte Marshall Templeman. In my book one of the characters is being physically abused which results in her demise. Although the book is fiction there are many women across the country who are in abusive relationships. Some women are able to gain enough strength and support to get out while others do not.  Many endure abuse for years from the very person who professed to love and take care of them. Often when we hear of abused women we say to ourselves, “why don’t she just leave,” “why does she stay in that mess” or “if it was me I would leave or do so and so.” As we all know it is easy to say how we would face certain situations when we are not facing them daily. There are many reasons why women stay in abusive relationships including lack of money, education, skills, self-esteem and fear of their abuser. For me, it was low self-esteem.
   

As I began this article I asked myself if I would share how I was physically abused in a relationship I had many years ago as an even younger woman. I decided to share for several reasons. One being, it was not my fault and secondly if someone reading my article will make the decision they are worthy to be loved and not abused, it is well worth it. As I previously stated there are many factors which play a role in a woman staying in an abusive relationship. I have found speaking to other women that low self-esteem plays a pivotal role. When someone recognizes that you do not love yourself, to them you become a pawn instead of a human being. Your feelings are not valid and your voice is silenced. Instead of being looked at as a person you are now looked at as an object. It becomes a sad existence and the little love you may have tried to have for yourself is diminished. When this happens you believe that the relationship you are in is all you deserve and probably will ever have. It is the job of the abuser to make you feel less than a person and powerless. As long as you feel that way, the abuser is able to keep you oppressed. For myself, I was fortunate to have good friends who helped me to see my worth which enabled me to regain my power.
   

It is extremely important for a woman being abused to first understand it is not her fault. Her abuse is not a result of dinner not being on the table at a certain time, or the house not being cleaned in a certain way. The abuse is because the abuser is suffering from their own demons. Secondly, a woman being abused has to understand that she is not alone and there are people waiting and willing to help her. She has to confide in someone because once the abuse is exposed, so is the abuser. The most important thing to an abuser is to keep his abuse secret.  As long as the act is secret he is able to control the situation and the woman.  And finally she has to understand her worth. Loving yourself can be one of the most difficult things to do but it is not impossible. Somewhere in the darkness that has clouded your life, you have to find something good. Looking in the mirror daily and telling yourself, “I love you” is a start. As the days go on giving yourself a positive affirmation everyday will help build your self-esteem.
   

No one asks to be abused. In my relationship I wanted to believe that he would change and love me because I loved him. I realized that I had to love myself more than the idea of being with this man. I had to realize that if I do not love me, take care of me and cherish me, then neither would he. Relationships are meant to have ups and downs because you are supposed to learn and grow from them. However, relationships are not meant to be” hostage-ships” meaning one is dominant over the other. If you are in an abusive relationship you have to be true to yourself. Being true to yourself means that although you may make a mistake, not cook dinner,  or forget to wash the dishes that you deserve to  still be loved and respected by your mate.  If you’re not then you have to re-examine if this is a healthy relationship and one worth being in. I have realized no man or relationship is worth me losing my voice, my spirit, my mental and emotional health or my life.  So I say, let’s end domestic violence by starting with the person in the mirror.


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Forever is a very long time

8/7/2012

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Date: 07/31/2012
Writer’s Name: Tyeisha Downer
Title: Forever is a very long time

Enough is Enough. I didn’t sign up for this. Every time I turn around there is another problem staring me dead in the face and I can’t take this anymore. I love you; this is true. But since we got married it’s been hell. Anywhere from allowing your family and friends to take money from our home to you not bringing enough income home. You don’t even take me out or tell me you love me anymore. I’m tired of crying every night over problems that could have easily been avoided. So Angela it’s over just like that. What happened to our vows, “for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health?”

Stephan I will tell you what happened to those vows. You look for divorce papers in the mail. I’m not going on with it. The sound of a door slamming echoed in the air and Stephan’s life flashed before his eyes.

Has anyone ever had this happen to them?  So many individuals go through this every single day and the easiest alternative is divorce. How soon do we forget the importance of our wedding vows? On our big day when the actual wedding was taking place many of us became overwhelmed with the warmness that took over our heart at that very moment. As we gazed into our significant others eyes we believed that they can do no wrong; it never dawned on us that all marriages face obstacles. People fall in and out of love all of the time but true love never dies. The more that you go through makes you stronger. You become unbreakable.

 Life is never perfect and we all step on shattered glass barefooted at some point in our lives, but it is important to mend our wounds and keep going. Being able to communicate is key in making any marriage or relationship work. If you don’t communicate then the other person has no clue what’s going on which makes the problem unable to get resolved. Remember that anything worth having is worth fighting for. Nothing that is worth anything comes easily. Sometimes it’s necessary to take a trip back down memory lane and every now and again you should take the time to re-live the events that made you fall in love and want to get married in the first place. Through every rainstorm, sunshine will soon follow.

 

Sometimes we have to go back to the basics of courtship and romantic walks in the parks and candle lit dinners. Do you remember the cat and mouse game? When you chased after whatever it was you wanted and there was no stopping until you got what you were chasing? What happens after the chase? Do you just forget about everything? Many of us fail to realize that we stop doing those simple things once life throws curve balls in our direction causing us to lose our focus and neglect those that are precious to us. Take the time to fall in love again and get back to the basics. Don’t give up. Strive for the best and remember that marriage is never declared perfect; it takes hard work, patience, determination, unconditional love and a little bit of hope, and most importantly it takes faith.

Marriage is a sacred bond between two individuals that understand what commitment stands for. Together they understand that marriage is a union and not an excuse to give a fancy reception, dress up nicely, and dance the night away. Instead it is a partnership that never ends. So take time to understand marriage before committing to something that you may not understand. Marriage is supposed to be forever and forever is a very long time.


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The BIG D

8/6/2012

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Date: 7/29/30
Writer’s Name: S.F. Hardy
Title: The BIG D




“If you don’t have intentions on marrying her, there is no need for you to come around,” the disgruntled old man said to the young man who impregnated his 19 year old step-daughter. Her mother stood by her husband quietly with nothing to add. Although the young couple shared what they thought to be love, neither of them was ready for marriage. They were an item and had been so off and on since freshman year of high school. They vowed to remain together and raise their child but marriage was out of the question.

The step-father’s staunch beliefs caused turmoil that couldn’t be overlooked. Once the child was born the father was not allowed to visit to care for the mother or the child which eventually forced the young adults to move into together. After a year of balancing college, full-time employment and parenthood in their own home the boyfriend wanted to take the relationship further. He wanted to get married. However, she did not. She was experiencing post-partum depression unbeknownst to her and she was happy with the arrangement as it was.

Unyielding pressure from her boyfriend and both sets of parents eventually led to the union of the couple. The night before the ceremony was to be performed at the Justice of The Peace, the bride to be, created various scenarios to escape the day that awaited her. She could not bring herself to do anything but relent. After all she wanted to be with the young man she loved and she didn’t want to disappoint her parents any further.  She convinced herself she was doing what was best for the child.

Although she communicated her wishes to her family and boyfriend, she did not fully disclose what she was experiencing internally, nor did she seek professional help of a physician or spiritual leader. If she had, she may have been able to resist the demands placed upon her. Maybe they would have married later instead of divorcing while still in the newlywed stage of the marriage.


New communities are built with the family in mind. Why you ask? The simple answer is, communities that thrive are ones that are inclusive to the family unit. The next question that comes to mind is why then are there broken family ties within the community if strong ties lead to more collective coherent communities? The answer is simple but the concept itself is far complex—divorce.

The United States ranks in the top five when it comes to divorce. Although African-Americans rank as minorities in the US we top out when it comes to divorce. Education, economic status, and race are all scientific attributions as to why divorce is so prevalent within the African-American community; however more direct reasons are cited for assisting in the breakdown of marital unions.

Marriage is perceived as a plague or scary monster in the African-American community. And when couples do finally tie the knot, the support needed to cultivate and strengthen the marriage is virtually non-existent. Negative stereotypes, too often overshadow the positive basis for marriage; a reverse of the negativity must take place in order to grow life-long healthy marriages.

In order for any marriage to live up to its full potential both parties most put forth an equal amount of effort. When each individual considers the feelings and well being of his or her spouse, neither partner is slighted. It is unrealistic to expect that any marriage will be perfect but working together as one can definitely create marital bliss.

When marriage is undertaken with motives that are selfish and self-fulfilling in nature, divorce often times rears its ugly head. Although marriage should be promoted not all marriages are worthy and healthy for those involved. The Power of Two a curriculum created by Susan Heitler Ph.D., lists the following as justifiable undeniable reasons for divorce:

  • Control: Attempts to control spouses’ behavior, friends, finances, or activities by using threats, anger, or excessive criticism (emotional abuse).
  • Addiction: Persistent history of gambling, drug or alcohol use, or other behavior that harms the spouse, children, and/or family relationships.
  • Repeated cheating: Repeated infidelities or an on-going affair with no willingness to change.
  • Mistreatment of Children: Violence or inappropriate sexual behavior towards children, biological or not. Among reasons for divorce, this situation calls for the most immediate action. Remove yourself and the children from contact with this person right away and seek professional help!
  • Unchecked mental disorder: Mental illness can challenge a relationship, but with proper treatment generally can be managed with happy results. At the same time, a spouse’s uncontrolled mental health or personality disorder can be unsafe and unhealthy.
  • Physical Violence: Again, this calls for immediate action. If you are in an unsafe situation it is critical that you remove yourself immediately.  Physical violence toward anyone, especially you or your children, without commitment to get help, is a deal-breaker.
The benefits of glamorizing love rather than the promotion and acceptance of promiscuity are endless. Building the family unit creates a strong flourishing community. An overt pervasive celebration and glorifying love along with the encouragement of committed monogamous relationships, families within the African-American community will begin to build stronger ties which could possibly result in a decrease of the number of incidences of divorce.

Many issues and circumstances are to blame for the break-down of the marriage. In the case above, the woman openly admits that she was not ready for marriage but nobody including her spouse wanted to accept her feelings. Communication or lack thereof albeit prior to or during the marriage is the ultimate culprit of divorce. Learning to be better communicators within our relationships will defuse a great deal of heartache and pain and hopefully eliminate the option for divorce.


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Make Up or Break Up

8/6/2012

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Name: Donnell Hicks
Date: 07/26/2012
Title: Make Up or Break Up




 A relationship or a marriage cannot be successful if there’s no compromise, respect, love, communication, and most of all trust between a man and a woman. With these basic common rules two people who are in love can have a successful life together as husband and wife or boyfriend and girlfriend. Sometimes a person will involve him/herself in chaotic relationships where one person is putting their heart as well as their energy into a vague relationship and the girlfriend or boyfriend doesn’t care or isn’t putting in anything at all. What is the use of a man/woman staying in a relationship where their “soul mate” doesn’t care two cents about them?

   

On the other hand, the boyfriend/husband will treat their girlfriend/wife with much royalty, love, and respect. The man will worship the grounds this soul mate is walking on. Other times, the husband/boyfriend will absolutely adore the woman who they’re with all the time. There are most women who will stand behind their husbands/boyfriends through the ups and downs. The woman will not leave his side no matter how bad the storm has gotten. It’s something when the wife/girlfriend is called “a ride or die chick.”

   

In a marriage or in any relationship, a woman cannot be dominant over her husband and vice versa. A marriage and a relationship works as a two way street, not a one way street. In order for a marriage to work there has to be a steady flow of commitment by two people loving one another, honoring one another, and most importantly becoming a backbone to one another.

   

There are plenty of elderly couples around the world, essentially in the United State of America who have been married for nearly fifty-sixty years, because they stayed committed to each other during the wonderful years and the hectic ones. Everyone should understand a relationship or a marriage isn’t always a smooth ride. It can tend to become a bumpy rollercoaster ride. However, young relationships don’t always last given the man may want to be dominated or the woman wants to be dominated;  or there’s less communication, unfaithfulness, as well trust issues, and having other men and women getting involved into the picture.

   

Another reason why a relationship doesn’t last long is because of something called “long distant” relationships. Those can be the most absolute hardest relationships a woman/man will find themselves in; for the apparent reason that the woman might live in North Carolina and her boyfriend lives in Pennsylvania. Sure there’s communication over the phone, but it can be a heavy strain on a couple who wants to see each other. It doesn’t even matter if they live in the same state but different counties miles apart from each other, it’ll absolutely put a strain on the relationship.

   

Lastly, it takes valor from both man and woman to endure the pain, the happiness, and walking through heavy storms together in order to make it out alive. Most marriages/relationships tend to fall apart given that both man and woman simply don’t want to work out their problems by facing them head on. In order to have one happy marriage or just one happy relationship, it takes two. Either make up or break up.


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What the Bible Says about Marriage

8/4/2012

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Date: O7/23/2012
Writer’s Name: Ornitha Danielle
Title: What the Bible Says about Marriage


People often overlook the “for better or worse” when they get into marriage. When individuals decide to take that vow of marriage, they’re agreeing that no matter what will come or happen they will remain together. Today nobody wants to go through the storms of life. Sometimes people think everything is going to be a bed of roses. Now honestly, when the newness of the wedding bliss wears off, reality sets in. The picture becomes clear; all the moods, feelings, money, education, jobs and family start to creep up into the marriage. As an African American married woman, I’ve been with my spouse 20 years. I can say that the vision of life, the ambitions of what I thought were going to happen, the so-called fairytale wedding are all things I didn’t even have a clue about at that age. Marrying so young at 19 years old I had no CLUE! I grew up very fast. It wasn’t about me anymore. The things that can lead to divorce are many. Here is a small list and I’m sure it can go on and on.

1.       Not having trust and honesty in the marriage

2.       No communication

3.       Lack of finances, lack of jobs or work  

4.       No spiritual life with God

5.       Lack of Education

6.       Infidelity

7.       Opposing aspects of child raising

8.       Where to live or not live

9.       Health

10.    Parents, caring for your parents

11.    In-laws

12.    Friendships


If we would look at the bible and what it tells us about being married or marriage, many wouldn’t enter into it. Marriage takes a great deal of work, time and commitment on both parts. There is even a part in the Bible in 2 Corinthians 6:14 that talks about being unequally yoked. The Bible tells us flat out what we should and shouldn’t do. So many times we want what we want regardless of the cost. We have this need to want to please the flesh.  

Marriage can be a very beautiful thing if both individuals work to make it that. It’s just like a flower, if it is given the proper love, shine and water, it will grow. A lack of these things will cause it to wither, dry up and die. Love takes time to develop. There is something I found out about the ring and why it is placed on the left hand and the finger it’s on. That finger is connected to your heart and the rings are a symbolic union between man, wife and God! We are not supposed to be alone. God has given us instructions on our lives in that great Book the Holy Bible. This is what the word Bible means to me: B= Basic I= Instructions B= Before L=leaving, E= Earth. We should also be wise in all of our doing. Marriage isn’t to be taken lightly. Without the correct guidance, we will run into trouble. We should seek God in all things, not just marriage, but in everything we do.


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