Date: July 9, 2012
Writer’s Name: JC Gardner
Title: What You See is What You Get
Attention ladies: in love and relationships, what you see is what you get!
Most women are innately nurturing. We want to care for, mend and fix anything broken, including that fine brother that rolled up on you at the club. He was dressed the right way, physically fit, smelled good and had a megawatt smile that could steal your heart. The first few dates were magical. He made falling in love so easy, and after he got good and comfortable leaving his stuff at your house and swayed you into giving up a copy of your house key, his true colors began to show.
There were so many things about him that irked you, but you brushed it off, convincing yourself you’d get over it. Many of us are not doctors, yet we try to practice psychology. The medicine we often prescribe affects us more than it will affect him. We think we can cure what only Jesus can fix. We compromise, acquiesce, and suppress our true feelings to keep him happy and make him feel “like a man.”
His constant retelling of his rough upbringing, his lack of love in the home, and him never getting a break touched your spirit, and you knew your love for him was bigger than anything in his past. After all, love conquers all.
So you married him. And while there were a few good days, most of them were hellacious. You put so much of yourself into the relationship that you lost your own self-worth. Every now and then there was a glimmer of hope, but that was quickly washed away by the next argument that got dangerously close to verbal abuse and maybe even physical abuse. And after several years of wasted efforts, you wind up in divorce court.
There is no mystery as to why the divorce rate is high. A lot of women marry for the wrong reasons. They ignore early warning signs that their mate is not the knight in shining armor they appear to be. We tend to put on blinders to save face. We don’t want to tell our mama she was right, and we fall back on old adages like our kids need a two-parent home; and of course, we don’t want to be alone. Right up to the moment we walk down the aisle, that little voice inside our head that keeps telling us something is not right is silenced by our pride and all that nonrefundable money we paid for the wedding and that two-carat rock on our finger we forced him to buy.
If women really took the time to evaluate what they want in a man and then be patient enough to wait on him to arrive, I believe divorce would not be as prevalent as it is today. Sure, people can grow apart and have different interests as they age, but in the beginning, your love for each other should be full of mutuality and respect. You and your mate should have similar values, morals and vision. It may sound trite, but take a personality test and determine what type of person you are.* Know your likes and dislikes and then see how it fits into his world. The results might surprise you.
Many churches and organizations offer premarital counseling. These counseling sessions are to help determine if you’re ready to get married. Don’t just go through the motions. Be observant during the sessions. And more than anything be honest with yourself. I’m not saying people can’t change but change generally doesn’t happen overnight. And at what cost?
We all have baggage of some sort, but if you’re looking to transform a wolf into a sheep, think long and hard before you get bit.
*One example of a personality test: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp
*Further Explanation of your personality types: http://www.personalitypage.com/html/relationships.html
Writer’s Name: JC Gardner
Title: What You See is What You Get
Attention ladies: in love and relationships, what you see is what you get!
Most women are innately nurturing. We want to care for, mend and fix anything broken, including that fine brother that rolled up on you at the club. He was dressed the right way, physically fit, smelled good and had a megawatt smile that could steal your heart. The first few dates were magical. He made falling in love so easy, and after he got good and comfortable leaving his stuff at your house and swayed you into giving up a copy of your house key, his true colors began to show.
There were so many things about him that irked you, but you brushed it off, convincing yourself you’d get over it. Many of us are not doctors, yet we try to practice psychology. The medicine we often prescribe affects us more than it will affect him. We think we can cure what only Jesus can fix. We compromise, acquiesce, and suppress our true feelings to keep him happy and make him feel “like a man.”
His constant retelling of his rough upbringing, his lack of love in the home, and him never getting a break touched your spirit, and you knew your love for him was bigger than anything in his past. After all, love conquers all.
So you married him. And while there were a few good days, most of them were hellacious. You put so much of yourself into the relationship that you lost your own self-worth. Every now and then there was a glimmer of hope, but that was quickly washed away by the next argument that got dangerously close to verbal abuse and maybe even physical abuse. And after several years of wasted efforts, you wind up in divorce court.
There is no mystery as to why the divorce rate is high. A lot of women marry for the wrong reasons. They ignore early warning signs that their mate is not the knight in shining armor they appear to be. We tend to put on blinders to save face. We don’t want to tell our mama she was right, and we fall back on old adages like our kids need a two-parent home; and of course, we don’t want to be alone. Right up to the moment we walk down the aisle, that little voice inside our head that keeps telling us something is not right is silenced by our pride and all that nonrefundable money we paid for the wedding and that two-carat rock on our finger we forced him to buy.
If women really took the time to evaluate what they want in a man and then be patient enough to wait on him to arrive, I believe divorce would not be as prevalent as it is today. Sure, people can grow apart and have different interests as they age, but in the beginning, your love for each other should be full of mutuality and respect. You and your mate should have similar values, morals and vision. It may sound trite, but take a personality test and determine what type of person you are.* Know your likes and dislikes and then see how it fits into his world. The results might surprise you.
Many churches and organizations offer premarital counseling. These counseling sessions are to help determine if you’re ready to get married. Don’t just go through the motions. Be observant during the sessions. And more than anything be honest with yourself. I’m not saying people can’t change but change generally doesn’t happen overnight. And at what cost?
We all have baggage of some sort, but if you’re looking to transform a wolf into a sheep, think long and hard before you get bit.
*One example of a personality test: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp
*Further Explanation of your personality types: http://www.personalitypage.com/html/relationships.html
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