Date: July 17, 2012
Name: Tamyara Brown
Title: You are Stronger than you think you are!
I sat in the doctor's chair telling her my grief
Sharing my fears of this strife in my life
I felt weak and less of a woman
Every woman I knew was strong as a rock
They could handle raising a family of six
They could handle dealing with a son who was sick
Chemo treatments and a bald head
They make strides with Breast Cancer
It's okay I can handle anything
I can stand the rain
That’s what she told the woman in the mirror
The man she loved was sentenced twelve years to life.
Now here I go alone again
Stop complaining
Black women keep it inside
I was supposed to be made of my ancestor’s strength
Don't I dare die and fall apart
Four years ago that's how the woman in the mirror felt
She wanted to quit and let the feeling conquer her
Lying in the bed not wanting to get up
She had no time to be sad
The woman in the mirror looks just like
ME
She had a family to take care of
She had a job to go to
Her room is a mess
It's a reflection of how she feels inside
She had doctor appointments to attend
She wore sweat pants and a raggedy ponytail
A fake smile plastered on her face.
It's a reflection of myself
She told crude jokes about herself trying to laugh only to cry
She was so unhappy with herself
She didn't sleep
She didn't talk to friends turning off her phone
She finally went and got help when she cried
All day while no one was home
And she couldn't stop
She sat in her doctor's chair and she said
You’re depressed.
The woman in the mirror felt as if she was a failure
She felt embarrassed that on top of everything else
She suffered from Depression
Black women don't melt when the going gets tough
We stand strong and solid
Yet at night she cried for hours in the mirror
After awhile all she wanted to do was rest
Didn't even want to get dressed
It was clear Tamyara was stressed
But never in a million years did I think it would affect me
I knew what going through hell felt like
I handled it all too well or
Did I?
I went for twelve weeks singing my Blues
I vented
I cursed
After the twelfth week
I felt so much better.
I needed to free the hurt in me
Needed to talk without judgment
Or interruption
Needed to say what I felt without
Drama
Needed that hour not to be
Mama
And
Everything to every one
When I released
I wrote again
When I released
I sat myself free
When I released
The woman in the mirror
Could find beauty in her eyes
“Tamyara P. Brown get out of the bed and fight. You are a fighter. I will not let you just lie down and die. Now you have the power to make it happen. Your journey is not over yet. You are stronger than you think you are.”
Tears streamed down my face, my heart heavy with pain as the bottle of pills sat next to me I was thinking of doing the unthinkable. I planned on ending my life because in my mind I thought my children where better without me. Life had beaten me down with my son being ill and losing my job. Every day it seemed as if something was happening causing me to sink deeper into depression.
I sat in the same room for two days refusing to come out because I was re-evaluating my life and with each hour drifting deeper into my blues of feeling inadequate. I felt like I could not get out of bed and face another day. It seemed as if I was speaking and the world couldn’t hear me and I was invisible. Everyone seemed too busy, or didn’t want to hear my blues. I felt as if no one understood what it was like to be different, to be lonely with a house full of children, dealing with a sick son and the lost of feeling unworthy to live. Yet, I had not shared with anyone the pain I was feeling. It was weighing me down and it was when I got the biggest surprise on the night I planned to end it all and it made me become a witness that God is amazing.
A voice entered the dark room first calling my name and for a moment I refused to answer because I was not only sad but also angry with everyone including myself. The voice called out again,
“Tamyara Pamela Brown. You are stronger than you can ever imagine. All you ever endured… You’re so close to the blessings God is going to shower you with. Please pray with me and you will feel better.”
“I don’t want to. Please just leave me alone, I’m tired I need rest and tomorrow it will be all over. Tell me why life had to always be hard for me, huh? Why is my life a mess and not filled with success? So many of my friends are two steps ahead of me and look at me a mess. I pray I’m as good as I can be to people, I work hard and am caring. God why can’t you give me a break?”
A light illuminated my room and a man dressed in white walked towards me and touched my hand. I was startled and overwhelmed because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. He kneeled beside me and recited the Lord’s Prayer and I too began to pray with him. An instant calm came over me. In the moment he appeared he had disappeared again. I could have been dreaming but it gave me the strength to push forward. I got out of the bed and restored my faith in life; though this process didn’t happen overnight. I got out the bed, opened my blinds and took a shower. I felt the sun shine on my face; I prayed and let God restore my faith in life and myself.
We are faced every day with difficulties; some we breeze through and we go on about our business. Some difficulties can knock us out and over but that does not mean to give up. I guess I am a fighter in every aspect of the word because when I was down and the referee was counting me out, but I slowly rose at the number 8. Some have called me an unusual fool to take the blows life has thrown at me and find reason to smile. If they only knew how hard I fought to get to this place in my life where I have faith over fear. How I have just started to have faith in myself. If people knew how I cried and walk out the door the next day as if nothing ever happened. How I struggled to recognize my greatness and talents.
Some of our defining moments are rising out of mess and creating miracles when we think all is lost. Some of the challenges we face are to make us stronger, to give us a will to fight fear, fight depression and suicide. Never be ashamed to express your hurt. Get help if you need it. Seek counseling, and spiritual guidance. Lastly don't be afraid to ask for help. If you or someone you love shows these signs listed below please don't be afraid to get them help. Depression is a serious disease.
© 2012 Tamyara Brown- Tamluvstowrite
Name: Tamyara Brown
Title: You are Stronger than you think you are!
I sat in the doctor's chair telling her my grief
Sharing my fears of this strife in my life
I felt weak and less of a woman
Every woman I knew was strong as a rock
They could handle raising a family of six
They could handle dealing with a son who was sick
Chemo treatments and a bald head
They make strides with Breast Cancer
It's okay I can handle anything
I can stand the rain
That’s what she told the woman in the mirror
The man she loved was sentenced twelve years to life.
Now here I go alone again
Stop complaining
Black women keep it inside
I was supposed to be made of my ancestor’s strength
Don't I dare die and fall apart
Four years ago that's how the woman in the mirror felt
She wanted to quit and let the feeling conquer her
Lying in the bed not wanting to get up
She had no time to be sad
The woman in the mirror looks just like
ME
She had a family to take care of
She had a job to go to
Her room is a mess
It's a reflection of how she feels inside
She had doctor appointments to attend
She wore sweat pants and a raggedy ponytail
A fake smile plastered on her face.
It's a reflection of myself
She told crude jokes about herself trying to laugh only to cry
She was so unhappy with herself
She didn't sleep
She didn't talk to friends turning off her phone
She finally went and got help when she cried
All day while no one was home
And she couldn't stop
She sat in her doctor's chair and she said
You’re depressed.
The woman in the mirror felt as if she was a failure
She felt embarrassed that on top of everything else
She suffered from Depression
Black women don't melt when the going gets tough
We stand strong and solid
Yet at night she cried for hours in the mirror
After awhile all she wanted to do was rest
Didn't even want to get dressed
It was clear Tamyara was stressed
But never in a million years did I think it would affect me
I knew what going through hell felt like
I handled it all too well or
Did I?
I went for twelve weeks singing my Blues
I vented
I cursed
After the twelfth week
I felt so much better.
I needed to free the hurt in me
Needed to talk without judgment
Or interruption
Needed to say what I felt without
Drama
Needed that hour not to be
Mama
And
Everything to every one
When I released
I wrote again
When I released
I sat myself free
When I released
The woman in the mirror
Could find beauty in her eyes
“Tamyara P. Brown get out of the bed and fight. You are a fighter. I will not let you just lie down and die. Now you have the power to make it happen. Your journey is not over yet. You are stronger than you think you are.”
Tears streamed down my face, my heart heavy with pain as the bottle of pills sat next to me I was thinking of doing the unthinkable. I planned on ending my life because in my mind I thought my children where better without me. Life had beaten me down with my son being ill and losing my job. Every day it seemed as if something was happening causing me to sink deeper into depression.
I sat in the same room for two days refusing to come out because I was re-evaluating my life and with each hour drifting deeper into my blues of feeling inadequate. I felt like I could not get out of bed and face another day. It seemed as if I was speaking and the world couldn’t hear me and I was invisible. Everyone seemed too busy, or didn’t want to hear my blues. I felt as if no one understood what it was like to be different, to be lonely with a house full of children, dealing with a sick son and the lost of feeling unworthy to live. Yet, I had not shared with anyone the pain I was feeling. It was weighing me down and it was when I got the biggest surprise on the night I planned to end it all and it made me become a witness that God is amazing.
A voice entered the dark room first calling my name and for a moment I refused to answer because I was not only sad but also angry with everyone including myself. The voice called out again,
“Tamyara Pamela Brown. You are stronger than you can ever imagine. All you ever endured… You’re so close to the blessings God is going to shower you with. Please pray with me and you will feel better.”
“I don’t want to. Please just leave me alone, I’m tired I need rest and tomorrow it will be all over. Tell me why life had to always be hard for me, huh? Why is my life a mess and not filled with success? So many of my friends are two steps ahead of me and look at me a mess. I pray I’m as good as I can be to people, I work hard and am caring. God why can’t you give me a break?”
A light illuminated my room and a man dressed in white walked towards me and touched my hand. I was startled and overwhelmed because I couldn’t believe what I was seeing. He kneeled beside me and recited the Lord’s Prayer and I too began to pray with him. An instant calm came over me. In the moment he appeared he had disappeared again. I could have been dreaming but it gave me the strength to push forward. I got out of the bed and restored my faith in life; though this process didn’t happen overnight. I got out the bed, opened my blinds and took a shower. I felt the sun shine on my face; I prayed and let God restore my faith in life and myself.
We are faced every day with difficulties; some we breeze through and we go on about our business. Some difficulties can knock us out and over but that does not mean to give up. I guess I am a fighter in every aspect of the word because when I was down and the referee was counting me out, but I slowly rose at the number 8. Some have called me an unusual fool to take the blows life has thrown at me and find reason to smile. If they only knew how hard I fought to get to this place in my life where I have faith over fear. How I have just started to have faith in myself. If people knew how I cried and walk out the door the next day as if nothing ever happened. How I struggled to recognize my greatness and talents.
Some of our defining moments are rising out of mess and creating miracles when we think all is lost. Some of the challenges we face are to make us stronger, to give us a will to fight fear, fight depression and suicide. Never be ashamed to express your hurt. Get help if you need it. Seek counseling, and spiritual guidance. Lastly don't be afraid to ask for help. If you or someone you love shows these signs listed below please don't be afraid to get them help. Depression is a serious disease.
© 2012 Tamyara Brown- Tamluvstowrite
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