Date: July 23, 2012       

Author: Norlita Brown   

Title: TAKE ME AT MY WORSE

If you were given the option to marry your spouse with a guarantee that it would always be for better, you would be hard pressed to find a divorce or a person who is unwilling to take someone’s hand in marriage. It is the ‘for worse’ that stumps everyone, that gives reason for pause as you walk the aisle to marry the man of your dreams or rather the man of your right now. She is the epitome of everything you hoped for as her beauty glides her the altar to meet you where you stand, yet your heart races at the thought of ‘for worse.’

Tell me that my spouse will keep money overflowing in the bank accounts, all the bills current, that I will never have to worry about a thing. Tell me they will have the home looking immaculate at all times and that nothing they ever do will ever get under my skin and I’m all in. The reverse of that is normally the reality. There will be times when money is short while the bills pile up, the home is in disarray, time isn’t well spent, and the things that irk your last nerve are the very things that your spouse insists on doing. Is it because they are purposely trying to disrupt your happily ever after? Most likely not, but this is how it would seem as you come home gritting your teeth at the possibility.

Divorce rates are high and they most likely will always be because divorce is the easy way out. The one who files for divorce will always believe that they’re motives are valid when many times most don’t put the effort to getting past the “for worse.” “Is this how I am expected to live the rest of my life?” the question is posed over and over rhetorically. Never once is either ever looking at the situations to determine a better solution.

Another point of fact in most marriages is the person you marry many times isn’t the person you met. It is rare that you will find a person to lay all their cards on the table when they meet someone. Who is going to go into a relationship admitting they don’t cook, they’re a slob or they mismanage money? Not many, because that prospect doesn’t look so appealing, yet many times this is the very person they are. They’re going to show you the person who dresses casually, keeps their hair crisp and on point and if you visit their apartment it will reflect a tidy and organized person. The aroma in the kitchen makes your toes curl and the taste makes your tongue do dances. The thought never crosses your mind that after the vows have been said and the agreement has been made, that now is the time when you will see your spouse fully exposed for the first time and it will make you question your decision of for better or for worse.

My first novel discusses this next point of fact in a very in your face perspective. Somebody Else’s Vows. Just as the title proposes, many times the people who are not in the marriage care more about the vows than the people who are in it. The fact that you have now uttered the words “I do” does not attach itself with a valve that says, “My attractions to other people are now turned to off.” It is how we handle the attractions both in and out of our marriage that make the difference. Readers of this work call the main character, Alyssa, self-absorbed and a plethora of other things that aren’t so nice. What they aren’t realizing is the point that I was trying to drive home so clear; Alyssa is honest. She tells her husband about her attraction to another man, now it is up to her and her husband to figure out what to do with this attraction. Why? Because she’s not in this alone, he is her oneness. The solution needs to come from both of them. He shouldn’t leave her to just “get over it.” If the decision was that simple there would be no need for this discussion. Many of us believe that attractions land in the man’s lap, that it is the male species who find it so difficult to focus on one relationship with one woman and remain that way for the rest of their life. I beg to differ, just as a lie doesn’t care who tells it, an attraction doesn’t care who owns it.

It is the make-up of the human body, yes. It is also a mindset that may or may not have a certain degree of control added to it. However, in a marriage that level of control should not be the responsibility of one person but both. Find out what made you attracted to the other person, many times it is not just a physical attraction which is what makes it so dangerous. The physical we can pull away from easier than the mental. You can give them their just due in the form of a compliment and continue on about your way, but if it’s mental it continues to drive your curiosity to them. Wondering about the possibilities of being with them then turns into something no one ever bargained for when they made their vows. Here is what I suggest, once you find out where your attraction lies, be open and honest with your spouse about it and find out whether or not they too can hold these same qualities. Pleasing one another should not be an option in marriage.

Marriage is a push-pull, two people working together for the same purpose, reaching the same goal, wanting and having mutual desires. When you begin to look at just the physical or just the things someone can add to your life, you start your marriage out on the wrong foot which is already leading down a path of destruction. Although marriage is a contract that has been said is becoming one that is easily broken, it shouldn’t have to be. It is my belief that divorce will decrease the moment that people open their eyes to the value of marriage and its original purpose. Love your spouse, but before you begin to pursue them for the better, take them at their worse.

Date: July 23, 2012
Writer’s Name: Charlotte Templeman
Title: “For better, worse or DIVORCE!”

   

“The church was filled as she walked down the aisle in her white wedding gown. Her father walked proudly beside her as he led her to her future. She was excited as she got closer to the man she would vow to spend the rest of her life with. Unfortunately within three years of the marriage the once happy couple would be visiting a lawyer to file for divorce.”
   

Although the above scenario is fiction it is hundreds of married couples’ reality. Divorce, the last straw, the final walk of marriage. In today’s society the divorce rate continues to rise. We see daily on shows such as Entertainment Tonight and Extra where celebrities are marrying one day and literally divorcing the next. It’s as if there is no regard or respect for the institution of marriage. What is the reason for this? There are many factors that contribute to the divorce rate. Some are infidelity, finances, lack of communication, unemployment and expectations of your partner. Often times couples find themselves experiencing one or more of these issues and at some point it becomes too much to bear. For some the only way out is divorce.
   

When some people date they look at their level of commitment to the relationship differently than they would if they were married. Some feel because they do not have that legal piece of paper, if they cheat, do not work, or contribute financially, that it is acceptable. A person may accept that behavior but are not pleased with it. Although some may see these traits as a problem, they may still choose to marry thinking things will change. Unfortunately situations like this usually end in divorce because once married the expectations change for what your partner should be doing. The reality is things usually do not change and what you had before marriage you will have during marriage. Getting to know your partner as much as possible can alleviate some of the problems that one faces. Once married both parties expect that the wife and husband have certain responsibilities to the marriage. It is no longer a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship but now it is a Husband/Wife relationship. If one or both cannot handle the responsibilities of being husband or wife, they think divorce is the only option.
   

During the time when my parents and their friends were marrying, for better or worse meant just that.  When problems would arise they would endure them together and work to make it better. They understood that divorce was not an option but their commitment to one another and making it work was. Marriage meant something to them and it was taken seriously. So often today people get married for various reasons, some of which have nothing to do with love. People may get married for financial security, thinking they are in love, not wanting to lose the person or for the “idea of marriage.” The idea of marriage, especially for some women is being able to wear the gown, riding in the limousine, the elaborate reception and feeling like Cinderella. Most little girls dream of this day and long for it to come at any expense. That may mean marrying someone they really do not know just to be able to say “I’m married and this is my husband.”
   

The covenant of marriage is not one to be entered into lightly. It is a union. Some people think that union is just between man and woman, but it is not. The union is between God, man and woman. When two people stand at the altar in front of family and friends to confess their love to one another, they are also confessing their love to God. The vow of marriage is made to Him first, then the spouse.  Marriage at that time is a spiritual bond that is ordained by God. If couples truly believe that He is the center of their marriage, they understand that when problems arise, it is He they go to for guidance and not family and friends.  Taking your problems to God will not only strengthen the bond between the two but it will also strengthen their personal relationship with God.

Marriage is work. Just as we invest time in our jobs, our homes, our cars and other material things, we have to invest just as much time in making marriage work. When a person’s car breaks down they do not take it to the junk yard, instead they try to get it fixed. If something breaks in the home such as the water heater, a washer or dryer, the repair man is called to fix it. If we have problems on our job, we do not quit but instead we go to our boss to relay our concerns and hope for a resolution. Marriage is no different. When problems arise the first recourse should not be divorce. It should be praying, counseling and speaking to our partner about repairing what is broken.  Divorce does not have to be an option.  If true love is the heart of the relationship then there is hope for longevity in the marriage.   Marriage is one of the most beautiful gifts given to us by God and it is and can be the best investment one will make in their life.

Date: July 18 2012

Writer’s Name: Todney Harris

Title: The Pot Calling the Kettle Black

Recently, President Obama stated his opinion regarding same sex marriages publicly. Before I start to speak about my opinions regarding his statements, I want to say for the record that I do not oppose civil unions between gay men and lesbian women. My reason for taking this stance is due to the fact that I am approaching the subject as a taxpayer and a citizen. I think that the issue of same sex marriages should be looked upon as a political issue and not as a religious issue. Case in point, couples need a marriage license in order to wed don’t they? As couples decide to separate and divorce, they need to contract lawyers and get approval from a judge in order to make the divorce official right? As far as I am concerned, marriage is a legal enterprise that is recognized by the state. Pastors and other church clergy just make the ceremony official by conducting the service in a church, synagogue or mosque. The reason why states consider marriages legal entities is due to the fact that each spouse is responsible for taxes and debt that they collect while married.

The second issue that I feel is of the utmost importance is that same sex marriages are legal in nine states thus far. I have not heard any citizens or church clergy turning against the Governors. The governors had to sign the bill into law which recognizes civil same sex unions. Where is the backlash for their actions? Hmmm…..I wonder does the fact that President Obama is an African American male have anything to do with the national backlash that is happening? Furthermore, since I feel that same sex marriages are a political issue, why are the religious institutions making a huge issue at this particular time? Most importantly, the religious institutions are politicizing the issue! Talk about the pot calling the kettle black! Once again my point is being proven. If this were not an election year, I feel that the religious institutions would not take this current stance. It seems that people are out to take shots at President Obama whenever they can.

All I can say is that I am really annoyed with the African American churches. As far as I am concerned, this is an act of betrayal. Why are the pastors speaking out against the civil unions on CNN? Why didn’t they speak out when the Governors legalized same sex marriages? The Constitution states that every person is entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. The Constitution also states that citizens cannot be denied of the right to life and property. Therefore, gay men and lesbian women should be afforded the right to engage in civil union. Most of them have been engaged in civil unions for years. Why all of a sudden are clergy acting as if by granting them legality that civil unions will increase? In reality, the official recognition is just already giving them the legal status that they have been seeking. Hell, they deserve the right to be miserable just like everyone else in a long term relationship! No, just kidding! All I am saying is that it is what it is. We need to stop acting like this is something new. It isn’t. The President isn’t going to stop gay and lesbian relationships if he endorses them or not. Get over the nonsense and let the issue work itself out on its own.

Date:  July 9, 2012
Writer’s Name: JC Gardner
Title: What You See is What You Get


Attention ladies: in love and relationships, what you see is what you get!   



Most women are innately nurturing.  We want to care for, mend and fix anything broken, including that fine brother that rolled up on you at the club. He was dressed the right way, physically fit, smelled good and had a megawatt smile that could steal your heart. The first few dates were magical.  He made falling in love so easy, and after he got good and comfortable leaving his stuff at your house and swayed you into giving up a copy of your house key, his true colors began to show.

There were so many things about him that irked you, but you brushed it off, convincing yourself you’d get over it. Many of us are not doctors, yet we try to practice psychology.  The medicine we often prescribe affects us more than it will affect him.  We think we can cure what only Jesus can fix. We compromise, acquiesce, and suppress our true feelings to keep him happy and make him feel “like a man.”  



His constant retelling of his rough upbringing, his lack of love in the home, and him never getting a break touched your spirit, and you knew your love for him was bigger than anything in his past.  After all, love conquers all.



So you married him. And while there were a few good days, most of them were hellacious.  You put so much of yourself into the relationship that you lost your own self-worth.  Every now and then there was a glimmer of hope, but that was quickly washed away by the next argument that got dangerously close to verbal abuse and maybe even physical abuse. And after several years of wasted efforts, you wind up in divorce court.



There is no mystery as to why the divorce rate is high.  A lot of women marry for the wrong reasons.  They ignore early warning signs that their mate is not the knight in shining armor they appear to be.  We tend to put on blinders to save face. We don’t want to tell our mama she was right, and we fall back on old adages like our kids need a two-parent home; and of course, we don’t want to be alone.  Right up to the moment we walk down the aisle, that little voice inside our head  that keeps telling us something is not right is silenced by our pride and all that nonrefundable money we paid for the wedding  and that two-carat rock on our finger we forced him to buy.



If women really took the time to evaluate what they want in a man and then be patient enough to wait on him to arrive, I believe divorce would not be as prevalent as it is today.  Sure, people can grow apart and have different interests as they age, but in the beginning, your love for each other should be full of mutuality and respect.  You and your mate should have similar values, morals and vision.  It may sound trite, but take a personality test and determine what type of person you are.* Know your likes and dislikes and then see how it fits into his world. The results might surprise you.



Many churches and organizations offer premarital counseling. These counseling sessions are to help determine if you’re ready to get married.  Don’t just go through the motions. Be observant during the sessions.  And more than anything be honest with yourself.  I’m not saying people can’t change but change generally doesn’t happen overnight.  And at what cost?



We all have baggage of some sort, but if you’re looking to transform a wolf into a sheep, think long and hard before you get bit.

*One example of a personality test: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/jtypes2.asp



*Further Explanation of your personality types:  http://www.personalitypage.com/html/relationships.html

Date: June 18, 2012

Writer’s Name: Debrayta Salley

Journal Topic:  For Better or Worse

When I think about what accounts for the high divorce rate in America, the first thing that comes to mind is that there needs to be more effort and energy put into preparing for the union of marriage than planning for the wedding event.  Just think about it, most little girls grow up with dreams of the fairytale wedding with the white dress, veil, flowers, and butterflies in their stomachs as they walk down the aisle towards their Knight in Shining Armor who is going to save her from her life as she knows it, and once the ceremony ends they will “Live Happily Ever After.” On the contrary, the marriage relationship is by no means a fairytale and the more this fact is accepted and addressed in society, the more knowledgeable and prepared our sons and daughters (through strong examples and pre-marital counseling) will be before they “Jump the Broom.”  One of the most profound statements that I have ever read about marriage was written by Gary Thomas in the book “Sacred Marriage.”He states, “What if God didn’t design marriage to be easier? What if God had an end in mind that went beyond our happiness, our comfort, and our desire to be infatuated and happy as if the world were a perfect place?” Are you kidding me? You mean to tell me that our life isn’t going to be perfect and that we’re going to experience discomfort and unhappiness along the way after we say I Do?  I hate to break the bad news to you, but unfortunately, yes you are! Please do not let this fact kill your desire to be married someday if you are single or to hang in there if you are married. 

Sadly, when a person is single, society doesn’t typically view their status as a positive one and as a result many of them have been driven to find their “missing rib” or “help meet” by any means necessary.  Many think that in order to be whole, they have to be connected to someone of the opposite sex and as a result, they rush into unions that do not compliment or suit their best interests.  By teaching our children early on that they are already “fearfully and wonderfully made” and complete as the individual that God made them to be, they will no longer search for another human being to complete them. In addition, we also need to build them up and prepare them to be self-sufficient emotionally, physically, financially, purposefully, and spiritually.  The season of singleness is the time in which an individual can nurture and develop a selfless/servant mindset so that when they do find that special someone, they are prepared to put the needs of their mate above their own. 

Another contributing factor is that many do not view marriage as a covenant, but as a contract that they can walk away from as soon as the going gets tough. The vow “For Better or Worse” no longer holds the same power as it did many years ago since it has become much easier (or so it seems) to pack up the bags and walk away - and in most cases into another relationship that seems to better serve their needs.  In order to reduce the divorce rate, we have to get back to the foundational intent of marriage.  Instead of walking away, marriage partners need to make a solid effort to join together to fight for the vows that they made and not give up on their families so easily. In instances where the parties aren’t able to come to a resolution, mediation and/or counseling should always be considered before divorcing.  If more couples would cancel their marriage contract and take action to fulfill  Covenant Promise in Marriage, the high divorce rate in America that exists today will have no other choice but to be reduced. Ultimately, the key to having a successful marriage is to work hard at building a sound relationship before you say I Do and even harder once you become one.

Here are a few books that I would suggest:

Preparing for Marriage – Authors: David Boehi, Brent Nelson, Jeff Schulte & Lloyd Shadrach

Sacred Marriage- Author: Gary Thomas

Making Marriage Work – Author:  Joyce Meyer

Date: 06/11/12
Writer’s Name: Dominique Wilkins:
Title: Seven Women to Every Man


“Till death do us part” is a portion of the vows that all men and women are all too familiar with, but don’t really plan on standing by. Many couples are saying it because it sounds good, but are not actually living by it.  Nowadays women have become so strong-willed, that they no longer feel the need to be the submissive wife and allow the man to be the head of the household as they once were.
   

In the past, it was traditional for the man to be the breadwinner, while the woman stayed home with the children and played the role of “soccer mom.” The man would go out and make the donuts, while the women would be more than prepared to cook them up when he brought them home.

Unfortunately, as time went on, more men chose not to stay with the woman and complete the family by becoming the husband and assuming the role of the head of household. This caused more and more women to generate the single parent household and perfect it. The more the “single woman” perfected it, the more women glorified the concept, steering more people from feeling obligated to become married or stay married to the men in their lives. This strength began to catch on like a lice epidemic. These same strong women were motivated to go back to school and further their education, securing them prominent positions in the workforce. This allowed them to gain good jobs and deep pockets, which brought an “I don’t need a man” attitude.  Now, you ask yourself, if they are making the most money, do you really expect them to come home to a man less superior to them and accept his infidelities or lack of children oriented contributions with a shrug and an accepting smile?
   

Sadly, whether a woman had personally established this success or just had a girlfriend with it, she knew what she did not have to take. She knew that the seed had been planted and she was empowered to get up and “make it happen” without needing a man. This mentality grew and was transferred, to the point that the phrase “Till death do us part,” rather than representing a symbol of love and commitment, was just a joke. No one longer cared about staying to the end, if they felt their needs were not being met and would “jump ship” the moment it looked like the water became slightly turbulent. This would obviously contribute to the divorce rate increase.
   

On the other hand, men are not innocent. Men, as time evolved, became less of a man. The majority seemed to be less in to portraying the image of a man, by running from his parental responsibilities and holding on to the “7 women to every man” ordeal and running amuck with it. Many of them have become accustomed to doing “just enough” to get by. Being the head of the household is not a place that he is trying to be anymore. He is now comfortable with putting the weight of both the man and woman’s job on her, while he reaps the benefits of her hard work at home in front of the TV or video game, after he may or may not have come home from his mediocre job that he has no desire to advance in. This man, instead of choosing to realize that this situation should be a blessing and make him more appreciative toward the woman that allows this to go on, instead chooses to use the fact that she is more successful and nagging, to go out at will and cheat.
   

Not only will he step outside of his marriage to make love to the grass on the other side of the fence, but will become so arrogant as to even allow his sperm to impregnate another woman and grow a family elsewhere. Believing that, it is just as easy to pick up and start over again, because there are so many women to choose from.  All  are very capable of taking care of him, because they all have that “I am woman, hear me roar” cry embedded in their tattoo, stamped perfectly on their backs, underneath their spinal cord for all to see. Not realizing that he is creating a vicious pattern of boys who grow to be grown men, raised by a single woman, because his father left her for another woman or just chose not to stick around and teach him how to be a man. So, raised by a woman, he grows up to feel just as comfortable to keep that vibe going in his relationships. Having no desire to regain the place his ancestors once held.
   

We live in a world satisfied with no balance. In the days of old, we had rules and balanced our lives by them. Now, we have Nike. We “just do it.” So, when the majority of wedding limos ride past with the “just married,” sign on the back, someone, somewhere will write saying, “it will end in divorce!” as they ride past.

June 11, 2012

Sheri Henry-Harrigan

Title: Marriage is Just a Piece of Paper

“I, Sheri , take you Jemel, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.” Those were the words that I said on Valentine’s Day 2012 at 10:05am when I married the love of my life. Many people repeat these words but end up in a divorce court in the next couple of days, months or years. Why do people get married only to divorce?

One of the many causes for the high divorce rate is finances. Each person has their own expectation about what the other should be doing. And when they aren’t there is a problem. Just because someone starts out with a good paying job doesn’t mean that they will have it in the long run. There then is the one income household. The bread winner may start to fill burdened because they are the only one holding down the household. Arguments and fights may ensue. People say things that they may regret later. All of this stress and drama causes people to go crazy. And instead of trying to figure out a solution to the problem they go their separate ways to start their lives brand new.

Cheating is another factor. However if the person was a cheater before the marriage then what makes a person think they wouldn’t do it after the wedding? Cheating is something that is a deal breaker for me. If there is no trust then there is no point in the relationship. Everyone is different though. Some feel that they can change a person. Well I disagree. The only person that can change a person is the person themselves. And if the person you marry cannot or won’t respect you then they are not the one to marry.

People keep asking me “How’s married life?” My answer is “the same as when we weren’t married.” People marry and then divorce because some believe marriage makes a relationship better. Marriage is just a contract between two individuals. What comes out of it depends on the two people. Once I got married I didn’t expect any drastic changes from my husband. He has made some major improvement but for the most part he is the same man that I met on December 12th 2010. I don’t get how people think that some type of magic is going to make their marriage so great and wonderful without any work. If a person isn’t willing to work with and for their partner then they should not get married.

We all have them.  Family members and friends who we either love or hate from a distance. They are always in our business and want to tell us about our relationships. Well in order to have a good marriage keep those people out. Everyone that says they are happy for you are really not. When I got married instead of good things I heard a bunch of negative things. Some people said their congratulation’s but I knew they didn’t mean it. Friends and family will kill your marriage! The marriage is between you and your spouse. Keep everyone out of your marriage and concentrate on each other.

These are just a few types of issues that can create conflict to the point of divorce. As a married person I can say that it isn’t easy being married. Every fight that I have had with my husband was worth it. Through it all I know he is strong enough to stick to those vows that we made. I’m happily married and willing to do whatever it takes to stay that way.